my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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