I wish I only lived at night.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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