She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
My cat gives me a boner
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
