Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
