It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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