Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
if only i could text you this smell
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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