First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
