you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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