my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Randomize
