I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
