the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
it's like iHOP with fire
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
