One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
