He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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