Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
