Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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