Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
