i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
