I seem to have left my pride at pride
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
