Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
