I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
