It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just pee around me
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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