Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
