u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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