Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
