You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
