They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
