i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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