I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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