Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
