Are we in a gay sports bar?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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