I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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