Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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