I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
