I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
