New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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