Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
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