I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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