I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
