Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
