woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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