Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
