Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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