I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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