I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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