What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
