so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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