He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
