"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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