apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
