Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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