Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
