haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
